The Art of Conscious Listening
I came home one night to find a basket full of goodies on my front door step. Not just any goodies. Each and every one of them has been on my “must have” list for quite some time. Who the heck would even begin to know about this list? I’ve never wrote it down and I’ve never mentioned it to anyone...except maybe my husband, but these are conversations that I’m sure he pretends to be interested in, but in fact is likely thinking about the rack of ribs that he has been patiently saucing up and cooking on his backyard smoker for the past 12 hours (more like 6 but you get my point). As I am looking through this beautiful basket of everything that Carrie wants and needs, I find a card that solves the mystery. “Thank you for sharing your cottage with us and creating memories that will last a lifetime”. We had just returned from an amazing week at our family cottage with our good friends... a week where she (my friend) was obviously on high alert listening and mental note taking mode. She had seriously listened and paid attention to little details and comments throughout the entire week. I've always been in awe over her gift for listening, but this just took my awareness to a whole new level!
This experience lead me to really think about my own listening practice. I can tell you that I never would have thought about giving this thoughtful gift, let alone listened well enough to know what to put in it. So, I made it my mission to learn more about what the true art of listening means and how I can do it better. We ‘ve all made the mistake of thinking that listening was easy peasy. We just need to sit there and be present, right? WRONG! How many of us have sat through an entire meeting to realize afterwards that we didn’t hear a damn word? THEN, we get called upon to answer a question related to the meeting that we basically just slept through... Oopsy doodle!! That’s not listening or even being present! I know because I’ve been there more times then not and I was ready to change that.
So, I spent the next few months trying to be more conscious and present and it was a lot harder then I thought. Here are the top tips from my “listening challenge”:
Always ask questions. This not only shows the other person that you are truly listening and paying attention, but it also keeps you engaged so your mind doesn’t wander (wandering minds are so normal, we just need to learn how to control them).
Pay attention to more then just the words being spoken. It's truly amazing what you can learn about someone by watching how his or her body communicates. Are they making eye contact? Are they fidgeting? Are they smiling? Are they comfortable with the conversation? You also need to reverse the shoes and pay attention to your own body language while listening. You need to focus one hundred percent of your attention on listening to the other person and showing them that you respect them and their time.
Don’t just listen, but listen so selflessly that your needs don’t even enter your mind during the conversation. If you find that you are starting to create a response while they are still talking, STOP. Take a deep breath and remember that if the conversation is happening, it’s important to the other person. Listen to them. If you feel the need to respond, do it after they are done speaking. It shows respect and allows you time to process rather then react.
Make a point of following up with the other person. I often will follow up with a brief email to thank them for the conversation and restate a few key points that are of importance. I may also send them a resource/tool (article, website, training/webinar, etc..) that may be of value to the topic of conversation. It once again shows that you were truly listening and you genuinely care and value them.
I encourage you to to commit to taking the “listening challenge” and act is if you need to create a basket of five things for every person that you meet. Can you do it? Try it for yourself!